Have a little faith, It will take you a long way.

What is Faith? What does it mean? 

Faith Is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.(Hebrews 11:1) Having faith in something you can not physically see. But in doing so god blesses you even more! Jesus said In Matthew  17:20-"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. " Faith is a gift from god. To get that gift you must believe in Jesus. 

Why Is having faith in recovery so important. When you have faith in Jesus, he is there for you. There are so many things he promised us just by having a little faith. That by having the faith of a tiny mustard seed you can move mountains. To me mountains are symbolic for the bad stuff in your life. What mountains do you need moved in your life? Do you have the faith to move them? It is so amazing that because Jesus died for us, he lives in us, and we can do anything through him. ANYTHING! That means that addiction you are battling with, yeah he can take that away. All you have to do is ask and have FAITH that he can do it! The more you grow your faith and trust in him the more he will work in your life. 

How do you grow your faith? By having a relationship with him. God isn't just a "weekend" dad. Or a Call me when you want something dad. He is a dad all the time. In the good and the bad he will be with you. He wants to talk to you, and for you to talk to him. All the time, not just when you are in need. acknowledge that he is there and thank him for all of the things that he has done in your life. If you look back on your past you can see where he was. whether he was protecting you in a situation or blessed you in a way. He is always with us, and he is good all the time! If you back slide, that is ok. He will be right there to catch you and lift you back up, holding your hand the whole way. How cool is that? I don't know about you, but my dad wasn't always there for me so knowing that I have a Father who will never leave me and never fail me is so comforting. 

Another thing that was vital in my recovery was knowing that i am a new person. That when i recommitted my life to god my stuff (sins) were washed away and I became a brand new person. It says in 2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

How amazing is that? To know that because you believe and have faith your old person is dead and you are new! You are no longer defined by your past but by your future. 

So what I am getting at is that all it takes is a little tiny bit of faith to push you forward into an amazing life of freedom! A freedom that was paid for by Jesus when he died for us. If you cry out to God he will come. Give him a chance, have a little faith and he will come in big ways for you! He loves you that much! 

My thoughts for tonight.

     Tonight I sit here and try and process my emotions. Recovery, what is it? What does it look like? How does it feel? In the recovery group I belong to we have people in all kinds of recovery. When new people come who struggle with drugs and tell their stories, it takes me to a place I am all to familiar with. The shame, the hurt, the blame, the denial, feeling to broken to fix. I just want to hug them and tell them that although they may not see it now there is HOPE. Hope is what brought them to the recovery meeting! The hope to feel better, to be sober and to be "normal" again. For me Recovery starts the first day that you admit that you need Jesus in your life, not the day that you stop using. Recovery is messy, and not pretty. Most of all Recovery hurts. But its a different kind of hurt, a good kind of hurt. With every hurt that you process though on the road to recovery you become more free! Breaking chains and flying into gods arms!

     When I first decided to get sober, I felt like I wasn't worth anything. That what I had done was so wrong that no one could ever forgive me. I had stolen from friends and family. Lied and betrayed people. Broke into cars and popped tires to leave people stranded just to get my fix. I was a thief, an addict what I thought was too broken to be fixed. I had come to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I felt that my family and friends would be better off if I wasn't there to hurt them anymore. When really I was hurting myself more than anyone else around me. I had thought that if i killed myself that their lives would be better. Who wants an addict for a daughter, sister, niece, or mother. The night I had planned on killing myself, I failed. I couldn't get the lock off the gun. In desperation I cried out to god. I told him what I had done and told him I didn't want to live like this anymore, and if he didn't want me to die to help me have a better life. With in a week I had started my sobriety. I had a few relapses over that next month, but God kept putting people in the way of me using. Then my ex husband told me that he had a spot that was skin cancer and I had a reality check. If I continued to go down the road I was on, my son could not only lose is father but not have the mother he deserved either. That was the last day I ever used. Its like God knew I needed to hear that to really take sobriety and HIM seriously.

     God knows us all and how our brains and emotions work. He knows how to nurture us as individuals and to speak to us in ways that no one else can. Its up to us to listen, and trust that what he is saying is true. He never stops speaking to us or seeking us, we stop listening. I hear the term "I was lost" so many times. When the truth is we are not lost, God knows where we are. I wasn't lost, I was running away. Running away from God, from people who genuinely loved me and from myself. It wasn't until I ran straight into a brick wall that I realized I couldn't run anymore and the only way to go was back to God. He was waiting for me with open arms! Looking back though my actions and choices when I was using I can identify where god was, and when he was protecting me and how he never left me even though I left him. Its so amazing to look back and see that even when I was in the midst of my sin, God was still seeking me. He loves us that much!

     In the beginning of my sobriety it was baby steps. I couldn't see my future I just new that God had helped me stay sober for 24 hours. I took it 24 hours at a time. I didn't look back but I had no idea how to look forward either. I went to work and came home and read about Jesus. I learned that I am royalty and worthy of God's love. Before I knew it i had been sober for a month. Someone told me to not keep track of how many days clean I had been but celebrate that I was clean. One day at a time. It sounds so cliche but when you are fighting a demon that's all you can do. Now 2 years later, I still live one day at a time, but I can also plan for a future. A future of living for God and living for his will of my life. I still struggle with thoughts of using. Those thoughts seem to be less and less the more I admit they are there and ask God to remove them. The enemy is slowly giving up his fight for me. Now I feel called to help get the enemy out of other people life. To fight with god to break the chains of addiction off of everyone. I believe that in my future we will live in a world where drug addiction is slim to none. For every addict I know now, I know one more person to get sober! God will set the captives free!

     I hope reading about my struggles and my freedom has given you hope. The hope that god is always there. That no one is too broken or has too much sin to experience his love. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you DECLARES the lord. Plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you, Plans for HOPE and a FUTURE!" God wants to give you a future, to provide everything you need, to protect you, and to love you more than you could ever know. Now are you going to continue running into the brick wall. Or are you going to run into his loving everlasting arms?

Overcoming Fear

Fear. Everyone has a fear of something, whether they admit it, or not. It's what you choose to do with that fear when it is staring you in the face. Do you run and hide? Or do you laugh at it and continue on with the task at hand? Honestly, for me it depends on what the fear is.


Today, I battled with the fear of public speaking. My pastor had asked people to come up and share testimonies of what God had been doing in their lives. I knew I had something to share, but really didn't want to go forward. I sat in my seat, and my hands started to sweat. The desire to go up and tell people the story I had was greater than the fear of standing up and speaking. The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the front row of the church, still debating whether or not I would be going up. Finally, I just did it. I went up, grabbed the mic, and froze. I scanned the room for a familiar face and spotted my husband. I spoke as if I was talking to him, just using a microphone. I did it! I kicked that fear right in the face. I believe that the next time I go to speak in public, the fear will be less, and it will become easier, until, eventually, I wont be afraid anymore.


The Bible tells us to not have a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind. (2nd Timothy 1:7) Do you know what you are afraid of?


When I first came back to God I was afraid of a lot! I was afraid of a sober life. All of my friends and family used, so I thought that without them, I would be alone again. The funny part is that God gave me more friends and an even bigger family filled with people who support my sobriety! I was also afraid of trying to gain custody of my son. I was afraid that in court, my son's father would tell the judge about my drug abuse, and that the judge would not grant me custody. I put my trust in the Lord, and the ot come of the custody hearing was that I ended up with more custody than I was asking for! God is so faithful! All of my fears have slowly begun to fade away. Even the silly ones, like being afraid of spiders, is gone! Let me tell you, not living in fear is freeing in itself! Why? Because we were not made to be fearful: we were made to be royalty! Princes and princesses of the Lord are not afraid of anything. God arms us with the weapon to fight off any fears we have. What is that weapon made of? Perfect love. Perfect love casts out all fear! (1 John 4:18)


I believe that the first step to fighting our fears is learning our identity; who we are. Not knowing who we are is a fear in itself! So many people struggle in life because they don't know who they are and why they were put on the earth, and that, in turn, leads to self-destruction.

In one of my favorite movies, "Anger Management" there is a scene in which Dr. Buddy Rydell asks Dave to tell the class who he is. When Dave spoke, he began by explaining his job, and other things he did with his life. Buddy was quick to interrupt each time with, "Not what you do, Dave. Who are you?" Dave was unsure how to answer his question, and became frustrated.

How would you answer it if someone asked you, "Who are you?". Remember, it's not what you do, it's who you are!

I am a daughter of God. I am royalty. I am loved. I am free. I am not afraid. I also know who you are. You are NOT a sinner, but a saint. You are not fearful, but fearless. You are not unwanted, but loved by many. You are not weak, but strong. You are a prince, or princess.

How do you start living out your identity? By asking for forgiveness. There is no sin too big to forgive. God loves you so much that he will forgive all of your sins just for coming to Him and asking for His forgiveness.

Another way to get rid of fears is to trust Him! "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

I have gone through so much fear and have learned to just trust God. He will not ever leave me and will always protect me. His plan is the best plan for my life. The sooner we learn this, the sooner we can be fearless, happy, and free! Has a good ring to it doesn't it?

So the next time you are afraid and alone, put your trust in God and see what happens!

My Story. A bit of my past and how I came to be where I am at today.

I have always wanted to write a blog, but was never sure how or where to start. Last night my husband and I were on our way home from our home group and I was telling him that i wanted to write. At home group we have been learning about dreams. Following are dreams and dream-casting. This is a dream of mine. I have never been confident in writing. Punctuation and I do not get along. 
Part of last nights lesson was discrediting ourselves and not accomplishing our dreams because of it. Well I was doing that by making excuses on why not to write a blog. God has such a great sense of humor! I had a dear friend of mine ask me if god had ever talked to me about writing a book. This was today, after I had told my husband about my dream of writing a blog! Wow. Ok, God, I hear you and I will listen. So here I am, and now I will tell you a little bit about my life. 

As far back as I can remember, I have been around addiction. I don't think I can name one person in my family that hasn't had an addiction of some sort. Growing up my parents were addicts. My dad traded alcohol when he married my mother for marijuana. That graduated to methamphetamine after my brother was born. I remember when my mom joined in. The house would be cleaned at all hours of the night and my mom would hide in her room for most of the day. If she had friends over the door would be locked. I used to sit at her door and yell and scream and bang on the door because i knew something wasn't right. Later my suspicions were proved right when i was looking for something in my parents room and came across a spoon and syringe. I can remember the look on my dads face when he was high and "working" on a project, it was scary. I went into protection mode when they had drug friends over. Moving dressers in front of my door at night so no one could come in my room. This was also when the verbal and mental abuse started. Being told I would never amount to anything and that I was stupid. I began to believe those lies. 

I developed my first addiction at 12 years old and started stealing cigarettes from my dad. They never noticed any missing, but then they were too high to notice much of anything. My best friend Randy, and I would walk to the railroad tracks and smoke cigarettes and hang out for hours. I also started lying then. It was easy and something i learned quickly to control. 
While my home life was chaos, I found an escape with my neighbor Deb. I would stay for hours, even days at her house. She quickly became a second mom to me. More of a mom than my own at the time. I started going to church with her and her family. 

She was recently divorced and my parents had just decided to get a divorce. Things were worse than ever before. flying objects were a norm at my house. Screaming at each other had also become the norm. I had now began staying any time my dad was home at deb's house. When he would leave for work (he was a long haul truck driver) the stress level decreased. Eventually my parents divorced and my dad quit paying the house mortgage and we lost our house. The house I had lived the longest in was now gone. The worst part is my mom was homeless and my brother, sister and I had to go live with my dad. who at this point was clean. My mom continued to use and was in and out of my life for the next year until she met my step dad and quit using meth.  

That is when I started my wild first wild streak. It was the summer between 8th grade and my Freshman year of high school. I had moved from Odell into hood river and had access to more of my friends. A friend of mine had decided to tell our parents that we were staying at each-others houses. Instead we went to a much older friend of hers, house to drink. I had never drank before other than occasional sip off a mudslide during holidays. I remember feeling nervous about it being two girls and one older more experienced guy, we had planned to just stay at his house. things escalated quickly and my friend was very drunk. She was falling down and unable to walk on her own. I had the guy take us home. He dropped us off in a church parking lot in-between our houses and left. My friend was unconscious at this point, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do but i knew we were in trouble. I went home (across the street from the church) and woke my uncle up. He had been staying with us because my dad was working. I told him want happened and he quickly ran across the street to my friend, me following behind. He called 911 and then my friends dad. My friend almost died that night, but that didn't stop me from continuing drinking. 

I was grounded for the summer and the only thing my dad would let me do was go to youth group. So i went, every Wednesday. The opportunity came up for me to go to a youth conference in Colorado with two other girls and the youth pastors. This was where I had my First encounter with the holy spirit through a worship night there, although i wouldn't figure that out until many years later. While we were there we had a chance to go and serve at a local elder care facility. It was an Alzheimer's facility. Each kid was paired with an elderly person to visit with. The woman I was paired with was mute, and i was told she didn't respond to much. I sat next to her and began reading to her. She grabbed my hand and started rubbing it, then she had me lay my head on the arm of her chair and she stroked the side of my face gazing into my eyes as tears filled up in hers. This was so amazing!! I was so touched. I reminded her of someone, someone who she hadn't seen in who knows how long. I can still remember her face, and her beautiful brown eyes. I can not wait to see her again in heaven. This was my first encounter with gods love. 

When I had returned it was all to easy to fall back into my old habits. I started smoking again and took up smoking marijuana as well. My dad had a girlfriend who I didn't get along one night we got into a fight and she put her hands on me. I ran away to my moms that night, who had recently moved in with a friend of hers. She lived 5 miles from my dad. 14 years old walking 5 miles to a place i had been only a few times in the dark. Again I was alone and afraid. Seemed to be a reoccurring event in my life. Alone and afraid were my new friends. 

High school started shortly after, and so did the finding things that didn't make me feel alone. Filling the void with whatever I could. I didn't know that God was the answer. Shortly into my freshman year I found boys. Boys who wanted to, "love me" or so I thought. After my first heart break I found out that promiscuity was much easier than trusting someone with my heart. I also found the best way to be promiscuity was intoxicated. I began drinking heavily and sleeping around. This behavior continued throughout my high school career and only got worse when i was old enough to work and drive. Although i drank a lot, marijuana was my main escape from reality. It was also easy to get away with since it was already being used in my house. 
I had experienced a controlling relationship and it had killed my self worth my junior year. Eventually I broke it off and by the time senior year rolled around I was depressed. I stayed at home other than school and work. I also had gained quite a bit of weight, and that didn't help the self esteem much either. I made a deal with myself to not have sex with anyone for an entire year, just to see if I could do it. I wanted to get out of hood river and as fast as I could. I graduated, something most of my family said I wouldn't do. To be honest the only reason I didn't drop out was to prove them wrong. Two days after I graduated I moved  to Cottage Grove, over 300 miles away. Running away from everyone I knew to start all over again. 

I wasn't in cottage grove for 6 months before I moved back to hood river and in with my mom. The time that I spent there was spent drinking and more promiscuity. I also experimented with other drugs. I justified it with it wasn't hard drugs, and I wont be like my parents. When I came back, I started seeing my sons father. We were casually dating and also sleeping together, Again with lots of alcohol involved. We decided to move in together with some roommates who were friends of ours two months after dating. That ended quickly with me finding him cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We decided to try and make things work again, I didn't forgive him for cheating on me and always thought he was lying. We didn't get along but I blamed it on pregnancy hormones. We were married soon after My son was born. That ended a year and 2 months later. Divorced with a child was not how I saw my life at 21. There I was again, Alone and afraid. 

I had been working for a company taking care of people with developmental disabilities. My client had a set schedule prior to me working with her. One of her activities was going to women's group at the vineyard christian fellowship. I didn't want to go but had to. I was mad at God for so many things that I had decided he was not real. We went every week. A few weeks in I began to open up and share with the women there. It tuned out that I may have been mad at God, but he still loved me. I got prayer from the women and forgave God. That sounds silly, to forgive god, but it was what I had to do. Not long after I was forced to move from my house because I could no longer afford it, without my ex husband. I could have found a way to stay In hood river but I chose to run away again.

Back to Cottage grove I went, leaving behind my son. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. I was sleeping on my aunts couch and didn't have a job nor did I know how long it would take to find a job. I quickly reconnected with old friends I had met from summers prior and when I had lived there before. I quickly got a good job and things seemed to be looking up for me. I started dating again. He was an old friend I had met when I was 15 and had spent summers with my aunt. I was still smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol. A few months after moving my life came to a stop. It was February 14th 2011. I woke up to a phone call stating that my Grandfather had passed away. He was the one man in my life I could count on. I was devastated. That feeling of being alone crept right back in. I started a downward spiral of abusing pain pills that night. It was all to easy. I knew my boyfriend had used them from time to time and I asked him to get me high. Something that was an a occasional use tuned into a daily use. I quickly lost everything I had worked to establish in cottage grove. When I had seen what drugs were doing to my life and wanted to stop using, I broke up with my boyfriend. He wasn't ready to stop using. Apparently neither was I. I continued to use and hurt people in the process. Lying and stealing were an everyday norm for me. I began having suicidal thoughts and attempted to commit suicide. God had other plans because the safety on the gun was stuck. 

I knew I couldn't get clean on my own. I called my aunt and asked for help. She graciously let me move back in with her. I started talking to my friend who had recently been delivered from drugs. He shared his testimony with me and told me that God will help me, all I had to do was ask! Psalm 34:6 says, In my Desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he SAVED me from all my troubles. So I asked, and what gods word said proved itself to be true. Not only did he come for me but he gave me a person to help me, to tangibly be there for me and help me to not be alone. Stanley became my accountability person, and gave me a book about how to hold your thoughts captive and live in our identity as royalty! I always wanted to be a princess. God came for me 110%! He took all of my physical withdraw and equipped me with the tools for the mental withdraw. He also Introduced me to my soul mate, this friend who was helping me is now my husband. He  made a way for me to move back to be with my son. He provided me with housing and placed wonderful people in my life to help me though my time of need. He set a fire so hot that it burned up any lie the enemy tired to tell me. He has restored relationships I never thought would be restored. He gave me custody of my son back and blessed me with a beautiful daughter and the most loving husband anyone could ask for. I am over 2 years sober and pursuing Gods will with passion! God came for me and brought dry bones back to life! I am new! He can make you new, you just have to ask!

Psalm 40:3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed, and they will put their trust in the lord. AMEN!